In my May 19 Morning Musing, I shared this verse and the impact it is having on me right now. I have been deeply challenged by these words. This pandemic has not been easy on a whole host of levels, and while I am grateful for all that I have, I too have struggled with the range of emotions and reactions that have come over me as I make my way through this with everyone else. There are days when loving people seems nearly impossible. And yet, loving people is the very lens, the very ground, the very heart of everything I do or say. It is what defines me (and all followers of Jesus) because God first loved me (and everyone else) through Jesus.

April 12, 2020, those words were from my heart. April 22, 2020, and they still are heartfelt. I have been awed by so many people who are loving their way through this unprecedented time. I think of my grandparents often, members of what is called the Greatest Generation. I wonder what they would say and think and do. I think they would be afraid but would pull on their experiences of war and tell us we do this thing together, it is the only way. We pull together, we encourage each other through the fear and we sacrifice things we never considered sacrificing—like our ability to move freely around the world, our vanity, our wealth or our way of life.

There have been few moments of quiet in my life of late. Time for reflection is squeezed into the drive home or at the end of the day before I fall asleep. In the normal course of things, this time between Christmas and Lent lends itself well for deeper reflection and intention setting, but alas, that was not the case for 2020. As a result, I find myself craving, needing, time to be still and to wonder and remember and grow. Which has me reaching for the book we read last Lent, Holy Solitude: Lenten Reflections with Saints, Hermits, Prophets and Rebels by Rev. Heidi Havercamp. Holy solitude is exactly what my spirit is clamoring for and what better time (other than the “quiet” season after Epiphany) to carve out time for this than Lent?

It is no secret that my happy place is Disneyland. It is one of the places I still make sure I visit when I go to California. A few weeks ago I was gifted with a book called “Disney Devotionals”. I was so excited! The theology is a little off, but it did help me reflect a little about my recent visit to Disney and life, particularly a life of faith.

Then Jesus stepped in. I wrote these words as part of my sermon on Sunday and after I wrote them, I just sat back. The truth of this statement, the power it contains, for my life and for the life of church, stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t help but consider the ramifications of this moment when Jesus steps into the argument between the disciples about who would have places of honor, places of power. Like in that story, Jesus steps in and stops all the fighting and power struggles and reminds us of what really matters. We are servants and we will be at our best, our greatest when we serve one another. Period. There are no qualifications to this. There are no boxes to check off, no check list to refer to, no secret handshake or words to say that signifies to followers of Jesus that the one in front of us is the one we are to serve and not that one over there. We are simply to be servants of all, extending the love and grace we have received from God to each and every person we encounter.

I spend my life helping people see and know God as a god who loves them beyond a doubt and is always as close as their breath, but I had forgotten that for myself somewhere along the way. 

Pottery was the other art form I learned and practiced while in Bozeman. I had the great privilege of learning from Carl Sheehan, a working potter and teacher best known for his work with Yellowstone National Park. He was the most patient teacher I have ever worked with, calmly coaching me as I tried hard not to mess up.

My calendar tells me there are 38 days until I start my sabbatical. I am both excited and terrified. Excited because this is such an incredible gift to be given and the Lilly Grant makes it feel like a once in a lifetime experience. Terrified because there is still much to do before those 38 days are up and because I have never really done anything like this before. Here’s what I hold on to: I am still Karyn and still a child of God so I know there will be joy and grace all along the way sprinkled generously with wonder and gratitude as I explore our world.

It was the morning after Christmas before the sun rose, and, as is my habit, I had been reading. Nothing of note as I was giving my brain a rest after a full week. As the sun rose over the bluffs, I found myself in a pondering mood. It isn’t unusual for me after Christmas to turn my thoughts toward reflection and planning. This particular morning I was thankful for this early-morning routine that opened a door to watching the sun rise because it gave pause to consider where light and life is in my world and maybe where I wanted to see more. I found my mind turning toward companionship and love.

Connection. This is the theme I hear all around me. How am I connected, or not, in meaningful ways to those around me? How do I get connected? What does it mean to connect with someone: Are we best friends forever or do we just nod to one another from across the way?

What does it mean to live “By Heart”? This has been the question that has been rolling around my head, framing my experiences for the last few months as we prepare for this 500th anniversary of the reformation. If we are always being re-formed, as is the characteristic of the Lutheran church, how are we doing that? Re-formation requires the heart to be involved, along with the mind and the soul. Jesus tells us, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Mark Allen Powell would say if we want to change our heart, change where your treasure is—teach your heart something different. So what does it mean to live “By Heart”? Does it mean that I am a “bleeding heart” or that I have a “hard heart”? Does it mean I give all my money and worldly goods away? Does it mean I am fickle or stubborn? As I ponder these questions that stem from my original question of what this means, I realize that none of these are going to get me to the, pardon the pun, heart of the matter. Instead, I turn to Jesus once again as I consider what it means to live “By Heart”: love. More specifically, love God and love neighbor and love neighbor as you do yourself (which was recently pointed out to me that we leave that part out too often). I know this would shock you that I end up here, not at all. Loving God and loving my neighbor as I do myself have become for me the most challenging and life giving way to consider the commandments. To live “By Heart” is to live a life of love—to follow Jesus in such a way that my life is characterized by the love I show to all people.

Why is the work of the church worth funding?

This was the question asked of the Synod Council in March because despite good and hard and faithful work by our Mission Support team, giving to the synod has gone down, and it is getting harder and harder to do the work of the church. The reality is that a decrease in mission support to the synod indicates an overall decrease in the giving at our churches, First Lutheran Church included. So, as leaders in our synod, we were asked why is this work worth funding. Not worth doing but worth funding. As I pondered the answer to this question, I found myself going to places within me that I don’t often go. The truth is we can all give the pat answers to this question, but those answers aren’t working. Our Mission Support team wasn’t asking for those answers either; they want to know why are we doing this hard work, why is the work of our church worth funding. So deep reflection was required to come up with an answer that was real and honest.

It was last summer when Pastor Stanton suggested the book Sabbath As Resistance as our Lenten study. It wasn’t far into this small yet packed book that I knew I would be challenged by the 6 chapters and that it would take courage to keep going, that it would require trust in the Spirit to take me to the places where I need to go to grow in my faith and understanding of scripture. As I made my way deeper into the book and my own reflection, I found God waiting with a gentle hand as new truths were revealed and my faith was strengthened. You see, I was sure I had it figured out, my life was good and I was doing a fair job of managing my time and life. God reminded me that while life is good, there is something better for me and for the world. Rest that is deeper than my usual. Rest that goes beyond the physical and moves into the emotional and spiritual.

I have often marveled at what a small group of dedicated, prayerful people can do for the life of a faith community. The congregation where I grew up had a prayer chain, of how many people I don’t know, but the people I knew that dedicated time each day to pray for the concerns of our church and people were all people that I have sought to emulate as I walk the path of a follower of Jesus. I consider Jane, who was nearly 100 years old when she died. Jane was one of the first people I knew to be on Facebook and Twitter, which she used to keep up with all the people she prayed for. She continually inquired about my life as I made my way through college and seminary and then first call, and I KNEW that everything I told her about would be lifted in prayer daily. She was the first prayer warrior I knew, and I always have her in mind when I talk about prayer.

As many of you know, in April I became a MBTI Certified Practitioner. I have had such fun working with teams these last 6 weeks become stronger and more effective as they learn to appreciate their differences and use them to the benefit of the team and organization they work with. Starting in July I will begin work toward becoming a Master Practitioner. This requires two things from me: to take an additional 40 hours of classes and to work with individuals and groups for a total of 40 hours. This is where you come in! 

“Good morning, Bob. How are you?”

“I’m busy.”

That was the exchange I overheard early one morning and it has shifted something in me profoundly. It isn’t like I haven’t contemplated “busy” quite a lot the last year and the impact on me, the people I serve and the larger world, but that moment brought those things that had been brewing together. Like a really good cup of tea. Since that fateful day I have had several people talk to me and say, “but I know you are busy, pastor.” Or “I just don’t have time because I am too busy.” and I have to wonder when we as a people became obsessed with “busy”. It has, I think, become a social acceptable and desirable way to either numb our emotions or to make sure we are worthy of life. If we are busy enough we don’t have to listen to the voice in our heart that wants to work out the pain or we can say we are worthy of love. Here is the problem with this: when we don’t take the time to listen to our heart or allow ourselves to be loved simply because we are, we also decrease the amount of joy and peace and other light emotions we may have the chance to experience. Not only that, but we can’t hear God. We can’t hear what God would have us do or be, we can’t hear the words of love and promise that God is always trying to get us to know. Instead, we keep moving, keep filling our days with other things (even though they are probably good things) and we slowly die inside.